Communication the Do's

This week we are going to be talking about communication which I think everyone can improve on. Personally, communication has never been something that I am particularly good at. I'm a naturally shy person and generally tend to keep my thoughts to myself. But I love listening to other people and trying to help them with the things that they are struggling with.Unfortunately when it comes to expressing my own thoughts and emotions things don't work out as well. Oftentimes, I hold my emotions in for so long that when I do try to express them, they come out in a big messy explosion. So how do we change this and do something in the middle of the two extremes? How do we share our feelings without having a big explosion that ends up hurting someone. Luckily our friend Dr. David Burns has come up with a solution. The "Five Secrets of Effective Communication."

Everyone loves learning about secrets right, especially when they can help you overcome communication issues that you have been dealing with. I will warn you, these all seem like really simple things when you first hear about them. Putting them into action is something that is much more difficult to do. The steps are put into three different categories. First is to have Empathy towards the other. The first step in this category is to use the Disarming Technique. So you hear this and you think "Yeah! I'm in the middle of an argument and I'm about to knock some sense into the other person!" As satisfying as this sounds it's not exactly what Dr. Burns has in mind. In his method the disarming technique is to "Find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems totally unreasonable or unfair." “According to this theory you are being the bigger person and finding some common ground that you can both work on. The second step is to put yourself in the other person's shoes. This is broken into two types of empathy, thought empathy, which is you paraphrasing what the other person has said, and feeling empathy, which is you acknowledging how the other person may feel based on the situation. The third step is Inquiry. In this step you gently ask questions to determine how the other person is feeling about the topic, you inquire so that you can better understand what they are trying to say. 

Then you move on to the Assertiveness portion of the theory. Now just to clarify, in order to be assertive you do not need to be aggressive. Assertiveness is purely making sure that your thoughts are shared and making sure that the other person knows how you feel about things. Hence the step for this section is to use "I Feel" Statements. When using "I feel" statements you say something like, "I feel angry when you leave your dirty socks on the floor." rather than saying "Why do you always leave your dirty socks on the floor! You make me so angry!" It's a way to share your emotions without being overly emotional about it. The last section is Respect. The theory under this section is called stroking which basically just means to make sure to show respect to the person you are having the conversation with, even if you are angry with them. In this step it recommends trying to find something positive to say towards the other person even if you are angry at the time.

So how can these steps help us in our relationships and in our ability to communicate with others? Well by following these steps we are able to keep calm in a situation even when we are angry. By thinking about what the other person may be feeling, by finding the truth in what they are saying, and then by making sure that we thoroughly understand their point of view, we are having to take a step back and see the situation from a more level headed point of view. When we are able to see the others side, we can then share our point of view clearly and express how we feel about the situation. Then you are both able to share the respect you have for one another and come to some sort of an agreement. You can work the situation out in a calm and precise way. Working through things and coming to decisions with another person is a really hard thing to do. But as we do it in a calm way we are able to come to a consensus. We can come to something that both people agree upon and feel right about. Doing this will strengthen our relationships and help each of you to grow together. Those are some things that I learned about this week. I hope you enjoyed them! If you have any thoughts or tips please put them below!